The Official *MAD DOG* jokes thread v2

[yaris2010RS]

Due to the climate of political correctness




Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as




'HILLBILLIES.'







You must now refer to them as







APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS .




And furthermore







HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:







1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a

' BREASTED AMERICAN. '







2. She is not 'EASY' - She is







'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE..'







3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a







'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY..'







4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a







'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'







5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes







' VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'







6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a







' LOW COST PROVIDER.'







HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:







1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a




'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'







2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is







' OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'







3.. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He




' INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'







4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in




'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'







5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of




RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'




(Loved this one!)







6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's




'TROUSER CLEAVAGE..'

[yaris2010RS]

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes.

"Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt," the golfer mumbles to himself.


Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers,
"Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?"



Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen

so he says, "Sure," and sinks the putt.



Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one."



The same stranger is at his side again and whispers,

"Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?"



Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay" And he makes an eagle.



On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win.

Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says,

"Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?"



"Definitely," the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.



As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks alongside him and says,

"I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am.

I'm the devil, and from this day forward you will have no sex life."



"Nice to meet you," the golfer replies, "I'm Father O'Malley."

[yaris2010RS]

A young man moved out from his parent's home and into a new apartment, all his own. He went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.


While there, a stunning young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him.


As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.


The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.


After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'


Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears?!?!?'' Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100% natural.

I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere.


How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'

Clearing his throat, he stammered... 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming... That was me.'

[yaris2010RS]

IDIOT SIGHTING

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!' His reply: 'I know. I already got that side.'
This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, MS

IDIOT SIGHTING:

We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two.' We haven't used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTIG:

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, 'You gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back. She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.

IDIOT SIGHTING

I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

IDIOT SIGHTING

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce.

IDIOT SIGHTING

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
Happened in Birmingham , Ala.

IDIOT SIGHTING

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She's a probation officer in Wichita , KS

IDIOT SIGHTING

At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to 'downsizing,' our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.

IDIOT SIGHTING

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff 's office, no less.

AND FINALLY….

How would you pronounce this child's name?

"Le-a"

Leah?? NO
Lee - A?? NOPE
Lay - a?? NO
Lei?? Guess Again.

This child attends a school in Kansas City, Mo. Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.
It's pronounced "Ledasha", When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash don't be silent."

SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash.
If dey axe you why, tell dem de dash don't be silent.


STAY ALERT!
They walk among us .... they VOTE and they REPRODUCE!!!!!

[yaris2010RS]

NEWSPAPER HEADINGS FOR YEAR: 2029


Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California .


White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.


Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.


Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.


Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.


Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.


France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica . No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!



Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.



George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.


Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only



85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.



Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.



Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Floruba.




Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.



Abortion clinics now available in every High School in United States .



Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.


Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.


Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.



A Couple Finally Had Sexual Harmony, They Had simultaneous Headaches.



Average height of NBA players is now nine feet seven inches with
Only 3 illegitimate children.



New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2030



IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent...



Floruba voters still having trouble with voting machines.

[*MAD DOG*]

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford: -The material we put into
our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks such as coke corrode your stomach lining.

Chinese food is loaded with MSG.

High transfat diets can be disastrous and none of us realises the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

But, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it.

Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?

After several seconds of silence, a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake”:

[cali yaris]

^ HAHA. I check this thread just once in a while, and there's always a pearl waiting for me.

[*MAD DOG*]

Originally Posted by cali yaris

^ HAHA. I check this thread just once in a while, and there's always a pearl waiting for me.

I'm glad people enjoy my and others humor.

[*MAD DOG*]

Hey everyone,

Most people know me from either meeting me on my visits to CA, USA or from my thread http://www.yarisworld.com/forums/showthread.php?t=9560

I get funny emails sent to me from all over the world. If they are text based jokes I put them in http://www.yarisworld.com/forums/showthread.php?t=9560 but I also send them on.

I have an email list (some of you are already on) for funnies. So not just jokes, but funny videos and the like.

If you would like to join my email list for funnies, please either send me a pm with your email address or just put your email address in this thread. I would also ask anyone else that sends funnies to add me to their email list, send me a pm and I’ll give you my email address.

Everything I send out is BCC (Blind Carbon Copy) to prevent spammers from getting your email address.

Hope to hear from you.

[silver_echo]

A new Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.

The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C..

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him..

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'

11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for this is my body." He did not say, "Eat me."

12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.

13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

[*MAD DOG*]

Two Scots, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's
forthcoming wedding.

Och, it's all going to be grand", says Jock.
"Ahve everythin' organised already, the flowers, the kirk, the cards, the
reception, the rings, the minister, even mah stag nicht".
Archie nods approvingly.

"Ahve even boucht a kilt to be married in", continued Jock.

"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's braw, you'll look pure dead brilliant in
that!"

"And what's the tartin?" Archie then enquires.

"Och," says Jock, "I'd imagine she'll be in white ...."

[*MAD DOG*]

Yesterday morning I had a knock on the door.....I opened up and there stood a young man with an armful of books...



" What's your problem ? ".. I asked ..



" I am a Jehovah's Witness " He said..



I told him to come on in and I sat him on the lounge and made him comfortable and offered him a buscuit...



" Now , what do you want to talk about ? " I asked..



" Fucked if I know " he said . " I've never got this far before "

[SilverBack]

Bosses are like diapers: they're full of shit and always on your ass

[*MAD DOG*]

As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, that's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in me favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true. "Did this actually happen to you?", the Englishman asked.

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

[*MAD DOG*]

Unfaithful Wife



A man returning home a day early from a business trip

got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight.

While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he

would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having

an affair and he intended to catch her in the act.

For $100, the cabby agreed. Quietly arriving at the

house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom.

The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket

back and there was his wife in bed with another man.

The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very

generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money."

"He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for

our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our house at the lake."

"He paid for our country club membership,

and he even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun.

He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"

The cabby said, "I'd cover him up with that blanket

before he catches a cold."

[*MAD DOG*]

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back
and forth.

A cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help you sir?"
"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies.

The cop asks "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's tool hanging out of
his fly for all the world to see.

He asks the man "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing
a beat, blurts out..........

"Holyshit ----- My girlfriend's gone, too!!!!!"

[*MAD DOG*]

A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church.He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down. There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies who appear to have mislaid their garments.

He hears a priest come in:"Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be".

The priest replies, "Get out, you idiot. You're on my side".

[big lo]

OMG, Lmfao. Brotha are making this stuff up or what, because you got talent man. All the emails you are sending me A+ in my book very funny stuff keep up the good work