The Official *MAD DOG* jokes thread v2

[ammophobia]

Gregor and Ari are Jews and were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. "Gregor," asked Ari, "Are there any Jews in China?", "I don't know," Gregor replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?" When the waiter came by, Ari asked him, "Are there any Chinese Jews?" "I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No Chinese Jews." "Are you sure?" Ari asked. "I will check again, sir." the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.

While he was still gone, Gregor said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China, our people are scattered everywhere." When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews." "Are you really sure?" Ari asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews.", "Sir, I asked everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have orange jews, prune jews, tomato jews and grape jews, but no one ever hear of Chinese jews! If you really want, we have Chinese tea."

[*MAD DOG*]

The Sensitive Man

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together..


They get back to his place, And as he shows her around his apartment.

She notices that one wall of his bedroom is Completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, With hundreds and hundreds of cute,
cuddly teddy bears carefully placed In rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken Quite some time to lovingly arrange them

And she was immediately touched By the amount of thought he had Put into organizing the display.


There were small bears all along The bottom shelf, Medium-sized bears covering the
Length of the middle shelf, And huge, enormous bears running All the way along the top shelf.


She found it strange for an Obviously masculine guy To have such a large collection of
Teddy Bears, She is quite impressed by his Sensitive side.

But doesn't mention this to him. They share a bottle of wine and Continue talking and,
After awhile, she finds herself Thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy Could be the one!

Maybe he could be the future Father of my children?'

She turns to him and kisses him Lightly on the lips He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds, And he romantically lifts her in His arms and carries her into his bedroom Where they rip off each other's Clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she Responds with more passion,

More creativity, more heat than she Has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night Of raw passion with this sensitive guy,

They are lying there together in The afterglow.

The woman rolls over, gently Strokes his chest and asks coyly,

'Well, how was it?'

The guy gently smiles at her, Strokes her cheek, Looks deeply into her eyes,


And says:


'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'

[*MAD DOG*]

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Porsche Carrera GT
in front of the office, ready to show
it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along too
close to the curb and completely tore off the
driver's door. Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close
enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Porsche,
his lights flashing. But, before the cop had a chance to ask
any questions, the lawyer started creaming hysterically about
how his Porsche, which he had just picked up the day before,
was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter
how hard the body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook
his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe
how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so
focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important
things in life."
“How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is
missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!!!"

"OH, MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer, "MY ROLEX!"

[Bob_VT]

Pigs For Sale

A city slicker decided to buy himself a pig, so he drove to the country until he saw a sign that read: "PIGS FOR SALE".
Turning into the driveway, he spotted the farmer, told him what he wanted, and they agreed on a price. They went to the barn where the farmer picked up a pig by the tail with his teeth. "Yup, that there swine weighs 74 pounds."
Noting the man's bewilderment, the farmer explained that it was a family trait, passed on through generations, to be able to precisely weigh pigs in that manner.
The city slicker, however, insisted on a second opinion. So the farmer called his son over and the boy came up with the same result using the same technique.
The man was ready to buy the pig on the spot, but the farmer said to go on up to the house and pay his wife. The man could then bring the receipt back to the farmer and take the pig.
After a long wait, the city slicker finally returned, but without a receipt.
"What's the problem, son?" asked the farmer.
"I went up there like you said," said the man, "And your wife was too busy."
"Busy doing what?"
"Well, don't quote me on this," he warned, "But I think she was weighing the milkman."

[*MAD DOG*]

For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it.' The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?' Little Joseph told him; 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no bike!

[*MAD DOG*]

The Salvation Army realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a Salvation Army volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million pounds, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the Salvation Army?"

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the Salvation Army rep mumbles, "Uh... no, I didn't know that."

"Secondly," says the lawyer, "did it show that my brother, a disabled war hero, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?"

The stricken Salvation Army rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?"

The humiliated Salvation Army rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm so sorry, I had no idea."

And the lawyer says, "So . . . if I didn't give any money to them, what on earth makes you think I'd give any to you?"

[*MAD DOG*]

A man was sitting on the sofa watching TV when he heard his wife's voice from the kitchen.

"What would you like for dinner, love? Chicken, beef or lamb?"

He said, "I'd love chicken, thank you."

She replied, "Fuck you. You're having soup. I was talking to the cat."

[nemelek]

MAN KILLED ON GOLF COURSE


MAN KILLED ON GOLF COURSE
A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tee.
The ladies are taking their time.
When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 feet.
Then she goes over and whiffs it completely.
Then she hacks it another ten feet, and finally hacks it another five feet.

She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess all those f--king lessons I took over the winter didn't help."

One of the men immediately responds,
"Well, there you have it, you should have taken golf lessons instead!"

He never even had a chance to duck.

[*MAD DOG*]

The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:



Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:




Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

[*MAD DOG*]

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly
Gentleman and an elderly lady
Struck up a conversation and discovered that
They both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed,
They decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they
Headed to the river to his fishing boat and
Started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a
Fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,

'Do you want to go up or down?'

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt
And pants and made mad passionate love to the man
Right there in the boat !!*

When they finished, the man couldn't believe
What had just happened, but he had just experienced
The best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the
River, when soon they came upon another fork in the
River.

He again asked the lady , 'Up or down ?'

There she went again, stripped off her clothes,
And made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so
He asked her to go fishing again the next day.

She said yes and there they were the next day,
Riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in
River, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?'

The woman replied, 'Down.'

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman
Guided the boat down the river when he came upon
Another fork in the river and he asked the
Lady,'Up or down ?'

She replied, 'Up.'

This really confused the gentleman so he asked,

'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked
You if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'

She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing
My hearing aid and I thought the choices were
Fuck or drown...!!!

[*MAD DOG*]

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells
Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this
year I'm gonna do it a little different!

The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years
ago you said to go to Hawaii . I went to Hawaii and Earline got
pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas , and Earline got
pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline
didn't get pregnant again."

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's
different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me."

[*MAD DOG*]

A female police officer arrests a man for drunk driving.

She tells the man, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you."

The drunk says, "Tits".

[*MAD DOG*]

Bongi was one of those UGLY women, so ugly it hurt;
she had never had a boyfriend. So she went to a psychic for help.

Honey! - said the psychic.
You will not have luck in love in this life.
But after death, you will be a much desired
woman and all men will fall at your feet.

Bongi left very happy and so excited,
as she went over a bridge she thought:
"the sooner I die, the sooner my next life begins"
She decided to jump off the bridge right away.

But, incredibly Bongi didn't die!
She fell on the back of a truck full of bananas,
she lost her senses and fainted.

As soon as she recovered,
still drowsy and not being able to see very well,
and not knowing where she was,
she started touching her surroundings,
feeling all the bananas she mumbled
with a huge smile on her face and said:

"GENTLEMEN, GENTLEMEN,
PLEASE!, ONE AT A TIME!"

[*MAD DOG*]

The Aisle Seat
Two shady looking Arabs boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat... Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a coke.' 'Don't get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marine's shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good, I'd really like one, too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors... 'Why does it have to be this way?' 'How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?'

[*MAD DOG*]

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.

The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'



His father replied, 'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?

[*MAD DOG*]

Women are like swimming pools. They cost a great deal to maintain, considering the time you spend inside.

[*MAD DOG*]

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it means that you don't get any more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Ferraris and Lexus's in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.

[*MAD DOG*]

Once there were two twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of a dilapidated
old row-boat. It so happened John's wife died the same day that Joe's boat
sank.

A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Joe and mistook him for John. She
said, "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible."

Joe, thinking that she was talking about his row-boat, said, "Heck no....
in fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing
right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled
like old dead fish."

He continued "She was always losing her water; she had a bad crack in the
back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her
hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy."

To add further, "I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented
her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she
wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get
in her all at once and she split right up the middle."

The old lady fainted.