The Official *MAD DOG* jokes thread v2

[*MAD DOG*]

The Deaf Italian bookkeeper


A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated
him out of $10,000,000.00

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the
first place.

It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have
to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10
million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where's the money?

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido where's the money?.

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The
lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are
talking about" The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's
temple and says, "Ask him again!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him.."
Guido signs back, "OK.!!!! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase,
buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house.

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer
replies, " He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."


Don't you just love Italian lawyers?

[*MAD DOG*]

Why are wives more dangerous than the Mafia?

The mafia wants either ur money or life...

The wives want both!


=================================

Marriage is like a public toilet.

Those waiting outside are desperate to get in &

Those inside are desperate to come out.

=================================

No Man Can Ever Be Satisfied with 4 things in life.
(1) Mobile
(2) Automobile
(3) TV
(4) Wife
Because there is always a better model in neighborhood.

=================================

Searching these keywords on Google `How to tackle wife?`
Google search result, `Good day sir, Even we are searching`.

=================================

Compromising does not mean you are wrong and your wife is right. It only means that the safety of your head is much more important than your ego!

=================================

Imagine living with 3 wives in one compound and never leaving the house for 5 years. Osama Bin Laden must have called the US Navy Seals himself!

=================================

Whisky is a brilliant invention. One double and you start feeling single again.

=================================

A friend recently explained why he refuses to get married. He says the wedding rings look like miniature handcuffs.



=================================

It is said that when a woman closes her eyes, she sees the person she love the most; and when a man does that... the slide show begins.

=================================

It takes thousand workers 2 build a castle, Million soldiers to protect a country, but just One woman 2 make a Happy Home --------- A Good Maid!

[*MAD DOG*]

Man arrives home from work, remembering it is his wife birthday the next day
he asks her "What would you like for your birthday."

She replies " A divorce."

To this the man replies "I did not intend to spend that much."

[TLyttle]

A bachelor is a man who never made the same mistake once.

[SilverBack]

Why don't men stop to ask for directions? Because we know how to read a map.

Originally Posted by TLyttle

A bachelor is a man who never made the same mistake once.

And I don't plan it! Thank you, sir

[*MAD DOG*]

So how's your day going?

*

*There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large,
*trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down*in one swig.
*"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into
*tears.
*"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can’t stand
*to see a man crying."
*"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure.
*I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking
*lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance.
*I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man
*and then my dog bit me."
*"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I
*buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison
*dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing!

*But enough about me, how's your day going?

[SailDesign]

The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million
tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.
_____

My mate's missus left him last Thursday, she said she was going out for a
pint of milk & never come back!
I asked him how he was coping and he said,"Not bad, I've been using that
powdered stuff."
_____

The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife.
They said, "Is this your wife, sir?"
Shocked, I answered, " Yes."
They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."
I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."
_____

Two Irishmen find a mirror in the road.
The first one picks it up & says, "Blow me I know this face but I cant put a
name to it."
The second picks it up & says, "You daft bastard it's me!"
_____

Paddy's in jail. The Guard looks in his cell and see's him hanging by his feet.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," Paddy replies.
"It should be round your neck," says the guard.
"I tried that," says Paddy, "but I couldn't breathe."
_____

Two lrishmen are hammering floorboards down in a house.
Paddy picks up a nail, realises it's upside down & throws it away.
He carries on doing this until Murphy says, "Why are you throwing them away?"
"Because they're upside down," says Paddy.
"You daft prat," replies Murphy, "save 'em for the ceiling!!"

[*MAD DOG*]

US RECESSION


The recession has hit everybody really hard...

My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America .

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

And, finally....


I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

[*MAD DOG*]

A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, 'D d d doc, I've bbeen stttutering ffor yyyears and IIII'm tttired of it. Cccan yyyou hehehelp me?'

The doctor says, 'Well, I'll have to examine you to see what's going on.'
So he examines him and says, 'Well I think I know what the problem is.'

The guy says, 'Wwwell wwwhat is it, ddoc?'
The doctor says, 'Well, it's your penis, it's about a foot long and all the down pressure is putting strain on your
vocal cords..'

The guy says, 'Wwwat cccan we ddo?'
The doctor advises, 'Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one.'
The guy says, 'Dddeal....Dddo it!'
The guy has the operation and three weeks later, he comes back into the doctor's office and says, 'Doc, you solved the problem and I don't stutter anymore, but I've only had sex once in the past three weeks.

My wife doesn't like it anymore. She liked it with my long one. I don't care if I have to stutter, I want you to put my long one back on.'

The doctor says, 'P p p piss o o o off. A ddddeal's a ddddeal!!!'

[SilverBack]

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge Heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral........I'm a gynecologist".

The proctologist fainted.

[*MAD DOG*]

The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The
class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to
breathe properly and was telling the men how to give the necessary
assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.

She said "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you.
Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and
will make delivery that much easier." Just take several stops and stay
on a soft surface like grass or a path.

She looked at the men in the room, "and Gentlemen, remember --
You're in this together -- It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with
her.

The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this
information.



Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.

"Yes, answered the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a
golf bag while we walk??
..

---- This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught..

[*MAD DOG*]

(To make this joke American, substitute Julia Gillard for President Obama)

While sewing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old Aussie farmer,
who's hand was caught in the gate while working cattle,
the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to Julia Gillard and her role as our Prime Minister.

The old farmer said, 'Well, you know, in my opinion, Gillard is a 'Fence Post Turtle''..

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him, what a 'fence post turtle' was.
The old farmer said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'fence post turtle'.

The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain.
'You know she didn't get up there by herself, she doesn't belong up there,
she doesn't know what to do while she's up there,
and you just wonder what kind of dumb bugger put her up there to begin with.

[*MAD DOG*]

A U.S. Navy cruiser anchors off Mississippi for a week's shore leave. The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a wealthy plantation owner:

Dear Captain:
Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies. One last point: No Jews, please.

Sending a written message by his yeoman, the captain replied:

Madam, thank you for your invitation. In order to present the widest possible knowledge base for polite conversation, I am sending four of my best and most prized officers.

One is a lieutenant commander, and a graduate of Annapolis with an additional Masters degree from MIT in fluid technologies and ship design.

The second is a Lieutenant, one of our helicopter pilots, and a graduate of Northwestern University in Chicago, with a BS in Aeronautical Engineering. His Masters Degree and PhD are in Aeronautical and Mechanical Engineering from Texas Tech University and he is also an astronaut candidate.

The third officer is also a lieutenant, with degrees in both computer systems and information technology from SMU and he is awaiting notification on his Doctoral Dissertation from Caltech.

Finally, the fourth officer, also a lieutenant commander, is our ship's doctor, with an undergraduate degree from the University of Georgia and his medical degree is from the University of North Carolina. We are very proud of him, as he is also a senior fellow in Trauma Surgery at Bethesda.


Upon receiving this letter, Melinda's mother was quite excited and looked forward to Thursday with pleasure. Her daughter would be escorted by four handsome naval officers without peer (and the other women in her social circle would be insanely jealous).

At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, four handsome, smiling Black officers. Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered, "There must be some mistake."

"Impossible, Madam," said the first officer. "Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes."

[*MAD DOG*]

When going on a roller coaster, bring some spare nuts and bolts with you.

When they strap you all in, lean over to the person in front and say" SHIT BLOKE, these came out of your seat!"

[*MAD DOG*]

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost.
She reduced altitude and spotted a man below.
She descended a bit more and shouted:
"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am".
The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude".
"You must be an Engineer" said the balloonist.
"I am" replied the man "how did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip with your talk."
The man below responded "You must be in management".
"I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the man "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are
in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fucking fault."

[ilikerice]

Originally Posted by *MAD DOG*

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost.
She reduced altitude and spotted a man below.
She descended a bit more and shouted:
"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am".
The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude".
"You must be an Engineer" said the balloonist.
"I am" replied the man "how did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip with your talk."
The man below responded "You must be in management".
"I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the man "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are
in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fucking fault."

HAHAHA, I can relate, not that im an engineer, but I am a mechanic that does what the engineer says, and have a manager that deligates. Welcome to gulfstream.. I am sooo posting this on the boards.. minus the "F" bomb at the end

[TLyttle]

Been there, done that, minus the hot air balloon...

[*MAD DOG*]

"HOW TO INSTALL YOUR NEW HOME SECURITY SYSTEM"

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a used pair of men's work boots size 14-16.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.
3. Put four giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:-


Bubba,
Me and Bertha, Duke and Slim went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls; they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house.

Better wait outside. Be right back.

Cooter