The Official *MAD DOG* jokes thread v2

[*MAD DOG*]

The Wedding Ring

A man went to the hospital in Cooktown , Queensland to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis.

According to the nurse attending the operation, the patient's girlfriend found the ring in his pants pocket.

She didn't know he was married and she was so mad she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep.


I don't know what's worse:

1) Having your girl friend find out you're married.

2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.

OR..........

3) Finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.


Tough call. You decide.

[Bob_VT]

A blonde and a redhead are watching the 6 o'clock news one evening. The redhead bets the blonde $50 that the man in the lead story, who is threatening to jump from a 40 story building, will jump. "I'll take that bet," the blonde replied.

A few minutes later, the newscaster breaks in to report that the man had, indeed, jumped from the building. The redhead, feeling sudden guilt for having bet on such an incident, turns to the blonde and tells her that she does not need to pay the $50.

"No, a bet's a bet," the blonde replies, "I owe you fifty dollars."

The redhead, feeling even more guilty, replies "No, you don't understand, I saw the 5 o'clock edition, so I knew how it was going to turn out."

That's okay," the blonde replies, "I saw it earlier too,
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but I didn't think he'd do it again."

[Bob_VT]

A blond and her husband are lying in bed listening to the
next-door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for
hours and hours.

The blonde jumps up out of bed and says "I've had
enough of this," and she goes downstairs.
The blonde finally comes back up to bed.
Her husband says, "The dog is still barking. What have
you been doing?"


The blonde says "I put the dog in our backyard.
Let's see how THEY like it!

[nemelek]

COWS, GOLF AND THE WIFE

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises,
Two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally the doctor asked him, 'What happened to you?'

'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a
difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.'

We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed
One of the cows had something white at its rear end.'

'I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf
Ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the
Cow's' butt.'

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this
Looks like yours!'

'I don't remember much after that...'

[Bob_VT]

Jesse took his blind date to the carnival. “What would you like to do first, Amber?” asked Jesse.

“I want to get weighed,” replied Amber.

They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.

Next, the couple went on the Ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Jesse again asked Amber what she would like to do. “I want to get weighed,” she said.

Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Jesse lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. “I want to get weighed,” Amber responded.

By this time, Jesse figured that she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, “How did it go?” Amber responded, “Oh, Waura. It was wousy.”

[Bob_VT]

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was ‘Onestone’. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, ‘If anyone calls me Onestone again, I will kill them!’

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, ‘Good morning, Onestone.’ He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird’s cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, ‘Good to see you, Onestone.’

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn’t die!


Why ???

Everyone knows…


You can’t kill Two Birds with OneStone !!!

[nemelek]

*So, after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for
many retirees, and as I am semi retired. *

* I lasted less than a day......*

*About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud,
unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids,
yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. *

*As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, "Good morning, and
welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?" *

*The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't
twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would
you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'*

*So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't
believe that you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for
shopping at Wal-Mart.'*

[KCALB SIRAY]

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says,

"Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"

The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."

The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked. "She said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a man'."

[Bob_VT]

A French woman married an Australian gentleman and they lived happily in Sidney. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Knowing she was going to be unable to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

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You sure do have a filthy mind, her husband speaks English.

[*MAD DOG*]

STOP CHOKING - AUSSIE STYLE

A woman sitting in an Adelaide Pub suddenly began to cough.
After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress,
and two locals, Bluey and Bazza sitting at the next table turned to look at her.

Ken ya swaller? asked Bluey

The woman signalled 'No!', desperately shaking her head.

Kin ya breathe?' asked Bazza. The woman shook her head No!!!

With that, Bluey walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress,
yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of
her butt.

This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.

Bluey swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.

Bazza said in admiration 'Ya know Bluey, I'd heard of that bloody
Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen
somebody do it.'

[*MAD DOG*]

A couple is going out for a night on the town. They're all dolled up, ready to go; the lights left on, the dog put out.

But just as the taxi arrives and they step out of the house, the dog darts back inside and won't come out. They don't want to leave the dog inside, so the husband goes upstairs to find it, while the wife goes to wait in the taxi.

Not wanting it known that the house will be empty, she explains to the driver that her husband had just gone "to say good-bye to my mother".

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat-hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the backyard! She'd better not shit in the vegetable garden again!"

The silence in the cab was deafening.

[Bob_VT]

Expecting bad weather
One winter morning a husband and wife in northern Michigan were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, “We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through.”

So the good wife went out and moved her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, “We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so The snowplows can get through.”

The good wife went out and moved her car again. The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park….” Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, “Honey, I don’t know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?”

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, “Why don’t you just leave it in the garage this time.”

[eTiMaGo]

My wife was in labor with our first child. Things were
going pretty well when suddenly she began to shout,
"Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! CAN'T!"

"Doctor, what's wrong with my wife!" I cried.

"It's perfectly normal," he reassured me, "She's just
having her contractions."

[Bob_VT]

LETTER TO GOD



Little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened .



Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.



When the postal authorities received the letter to God , USA , they decided to send it to the President.




The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $ 5.00 bill.




The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.



The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:




Dear God:
Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington D.C. and those idiots took $95.00 in taxes.

[*MAD DOG*]

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: Knowing when to come in out of the rain; Why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason. He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;

I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I'm A Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on.. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

[eTiMaGo]

sad but far too true :(

[TLyttle]

Exactly right...

[*MAD DOG*]

http://www.urbandictionary.com/defin...term=captavise