The Official *MAD DOG* jokes thread v2

[*MAD DOG*]

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: Knowing when to come in out of the rain; Why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason. He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;

I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I'm A Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on.. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

[eTiMaGo]

sad but far too true :(

[TLyttle]

Exactly right...

[*MAD DOG*]

http://www.urbandictionary.com/defin...term=captavise

[*MAD DOG*]

Pierre was attending his 4wd clubs monthly meeting and had just told them he couldn't make the upcoming Innamincka trip because his Lizzie wouldn't let him go.
After copping the under the thumb remarks and other derisive remarks Pierre left to go back home to the missus.
When Pierre's mates started arriving to set up camp at Innamincka the following week who should be there but Pierre sitting up in front of the Cooper , swag rolled out , fishing rod in hand, camp oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of Coolabah coals.
" How did ya talk ya missus into letting you go Pierre?""
I didn't have to ," was Pierre's reply
" When I left the meeting last week I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. When the missus snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said , ' Surprise ' .

When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said , ' Carry me into the bedroom and tie me to the bed and you can do what ever you want .'


SO HERE I AM

[*MAD DOG*]

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust 'I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!'
Paddy handed his drink back & said 'Me too, I didnt know we had a choice!'
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks 'How many people are flying with you?'
Paddy replies 'I dont know! It's your f***ing plane!!'
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy
'I'm gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!'
He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down & shouts 'I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!'
Murphy watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts 'Paddy you're mad, go home' So he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
'Where the hell are you going?' asks the Foreman.
'I can't work in the friggin' dark!' says Murphy.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses & lies on the bed spreadeagled & says 'You know what I want dont you?'
'Yeah,' says Paddy. 'The whole friggin' bed by the looks of it!'
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whos head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her.
A detective held up the head to which point Paddy said 'I dont think that's her, she wasnt that tall!'
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy & his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours' dog is barking like mad in the garden. Paddy says 'To hell with this!' and storms off.
He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks 'What did you do?'
Paddy replies 'I've put the dog in our garden, let's see how they like it!'
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue. 'Be Jeysus!' he said, 'I didnt even know they had mobile phones!'
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick says 'Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!'
Paddy says 'Whats his name?'
Mick replies 'Miles from London!'
------------------------------------------------------------------------
An Irishman is rowing his boat in a field of hay. Paddy drives past
> > and stops. He looks at the Irishman in the boat & shouts 'Its thick bas****s like you that give us Irish a bad name! I'd come over there and kick the s**t out of you if I could swim!'

[Bob_VT]

Wrong, wrong, wrong

Guy is sitting in his living room watching TV when all of a sudden the door bursts open and his girlfriend storms through. "You fucking asshole!" she screams and heads into the bedroom. Stunned, the man walks toward the bedroom, wondering "now what have I done?"
Inside the bedroom he finds the girl furiously packing a suitcase. He asks her what's up. She responds with a hiss, "My therapist says that I should leave you and that you're a pedophile!" The man responds, "Wow... pedophile... that's a big word for a 12 year old."

[Bob_VT]

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women.'
The two sat sipping in silence.A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'
He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian.'

[KCALB SIRAY]

A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.

Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.

The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29".

"I am actually 47."

Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.

She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."

[KCALB SIRAY]

There was a little boy whose mother was about to have a baby. One day, the little boy walked in and saw his mother naked. He asked his mother what the hair between her legs was.

She responded, "It's my wash cloth."

Weeks later, after the mother had her baby, the young boy walked in on his mother again. While she was in the hospital, the doctor had shaved her pubic hair.

The boy asked, "What happened to your wash cloth?"

The mother responded, "I lost it."

The little boy, trying to be helpful, set out to find his mother's washcloth.

A few days later, he ran to his mother yelling and screaming, "I found your washcloth."

The mother, thinking that the child was just playing, went along with the boy and asked, "Where did you find it?"

The boy answered, "The maid has it! She is washing daddy's face with it."

[KCALB SIRAY]

A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable fidelity practices when suddenly, the woman reaches over and slices off the mans penis and angrily tosses it out the window of the car.

Driving behind the car is a pickup truck with a man and his 10 year old daughter chatting away beside him. All of the sudden, the penis smacks the pickup in the windshield and flies off.

Surprised, the daughter asks her daddy, "Daddy what in the heck was that ?!?"

Not wanting to expose his 10 year old daughter to sex at such a tender age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey."

The daughter gets a confused look on her face, and after a minute, she says. "Sure had a big dick."

[KCALB SIRAY]

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.

Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

[KCALB SIRAY]

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on newcomers. When he finished, he found his horse had been stolen.
He comes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling. "Who stole my horse?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

"I'm gonna have another beer and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I'm finished, I'm gonna do what I dun back in Texas and I don't want to have to do what I dun back in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly.

He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town.

The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home!"

[*MAD DOG*]

Necrophilia

A man was brought before the judge and charged with Necrophilia (making love to a dead woman).The judge told him, 'In 20years on the bench, I've never heard such a disgusting, immoral thing'. Just give me one good reason why I shouldn't lock you up and throw away the key!'

The man replied, 'I'll give you THREE good reasons:
1. It's none of your damn business.
2. She was my wife; and.....
3. I didn't KNOW she was dead, she ALWAYS acted that way!'

So ladies try to move a little during the game.

[*MAD DOG*]

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he was from the Commonwealth Police Drug Department and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.

'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'

The plane took off , and once it has levelled out, the Policeman said, 'Watch this.'

He told Sniffer to 'search'.

Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.

The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana,
I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.
'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.

Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.
The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.
The Policeman said, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again,
I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.'

'I like it !' said his seat mate.

The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to shit all over the place.

The first man was really disgusted by this behaviour and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the Policeman, 'What's going on ?'

The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb.'

[LtNoogie]

Damn, that last one was funny Tony.

[*MAD DOG*]

Originally Posted by LtNoogie

Damn, that last one was funny Tony.

Most of my jokes are

[KCALB SIRAY]

Here's an old one, but still funny 50 years later

Superman was flying over a nude beach when he noticed Wonder Woman sunbathing.
Being faster than a speeding bullet he decides that he can screw her quick
without her knowing. So he swoops down does his business. Wonder Woman jumps up
and says "what the hell was that?", the Invisableman replies "I don't know but
my ass sure hurts."