Benggolf's Internet Finds - Jokes, etc.

[tomato]

Originally Posted by Benggolf2

Very nostalgic street scenes of vintage automobiles.
These are real enough to fool you .... but they are only models by M. Paul Smith .... which he made by hand.
Simply amazing!

http://www.flickr.com/photos/2479674...th/2346008881/

I love that one. That's simply awesome

Great find

[Benggolf2]

A lady walks into Tiffany's. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond braceletand walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, sheunexpectedly farts.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed herlittle 'whoops' and prays that a sales person wasn't anywhere near. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her and he's good looking as well.

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of aprofessional in a store like Tiffany's. He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'

Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehowmissed her little 'incident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it - you're going toshit when I tell you the price."

[Benggolf2]

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift certificate envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine imported cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At each of the houses along his route, he was met with congratulations, farewells, cards, and gifts of all types and values.

At the final house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful young blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom -- where they had a most passionate liaison Afterwards, they went downstairs where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

'...All this was just too wonderful for words,' he said, .......but what's the dollar for?'

'Well,' she said, 'last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day ...and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you?' He said, "....Screw him ........give him a dollar."

She then blushed and added, '.....But the breakfast was my idea!

[*MAD DOG*]

Originally Posted by Bob_VT

We have Mad Dogs joke thread that has 26+ pages of jokes....... why start a new thread?

Agree. Beng why didn't you just post in my thread. It is open for everyone to post and view jokes.

[Benggolf2]

Originally Posted by *MAD DOG*

Agree. Beng why didn't you just post in my thread. It is open for everyone to post and view jokes.

Somebody (a moderator, I guess) suggested that I start this thread.
If you can merge this thread thsat will be great, otherwise I'll just post it in your thread for now on.

Am now in Vegas and getting a bit of luck...so no jokes from my end till I get back to YVR.

[Benggolf2]

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

[Benggolf2]

A lady libertarian wrote a lot of letters to the government,
complaining about the treatment of captive insurgents (terrorists)
being held in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.
She received back the following reply:


National Defense
Headquarters
Maj.Gen. George R. Pearkes Bldg, 15NT
101 Colonel By Drive
Ottawa,ONT.
K1A 0K2

Dear Concerned Citizen;

Thank you for your recent letter expressing
your profound concern of treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by Canadian Forces who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan Government and are currently being held by Afghan officials in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.

Our administration takes these matters seriously and your
opinions were heard loud and clear here in Ottawa. You
will be pleased to learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself,
we are creating a new department here at the Department of National
Defense, to be called "Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers" program, or L.A.R.K. for short.

In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have
decided to divert one terrorist and place him in your personal care.
Your personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for
Transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence in
Toronto next Monday. Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud
(you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint. It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommend in your letter.

Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope
that your sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal
problem" will help him overcome these character flaws.
Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural
differences.
We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home
schooling.

Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand
combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a
pencil or nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to
demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group. He is also expert
at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common
household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up,
unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters
(except sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of
property. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has
been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire.

I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the
burka over time. Just remember that it is all part of "respecting his
culture and religious beliefs" as described in your letter.

Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks
like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for
our fellow man. You take good care of Ahmed and remember. We'll be
watching.

Good luck and God bless you.

Cordially, Gordon O'Connor

[Benggolf2]

Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist! (TRUE STORY).

Scientists at the Canadian Research Facility built a gun
specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of Airlines and military
jets, all traveling at maximum velocity.

The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with
airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

NASA engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on
the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were
made, and a gun was sent to the NASA engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken
hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed
it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the
engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin,
like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified Americans sent the Canadian Research Facility the
disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the
windshield and begged the Canadian scientists for suggestions.

The Canadian Research Facility responded with a one-line memo:....
"Defrost the chicken."

[Benggolf2]

Garage Door

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question..

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up.. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door..'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires...

------------------------------------

An elderly gentleman.....

Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet..
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

-----------------------------


Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

[Benggolf2]

There is nothing quite like the innocence of a child to give a person a pick me
up. I thought you may enjoy the following: A first grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class.

She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them
to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders.

Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because
the last one is a classic!

1. Don't change horses until they stop running.
2. Strike while the bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but How?
6. Don't bite the hand that looks dirty.
7. No news is impossible
8. A miss is as good as a Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new Math
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust Me.
12. The pen is mightier than the pigs..
13. An idle mind is the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's pollution.
15. Happy the bride who gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is not much.
17. Two's company, three's the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and You have
to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you See in the picture on the box
24. When the blind lead the blind get out of the way.
25. A bird in the hand is going to poop on you.
And the WINNER and last one!
26. Better late than Pregnant.

[Benggolf2]

Here is a variation of a joke I have heard.

An angel flew over a park and two statues facing each other longingly. Having pity on the statues, the angel brings them to life. The angel tells them they are now alive but only for thirty minutes. The angel tells them they can do any thing they want. They duck quickly into the bushes. There is rustling of leaves for 15 minutes then they come out. The angel tells them they have 15 minutes left. One statue looks at the other and says 'this time you hold the pigeon and I'll torture it'.

[Benggolf2]

Welcome to the 21st Century ! How it will be ...

Our communication - Wireless

Our phones - Cordless

Our cooking - Fireless

Our food - Fatless

Our sweets - Sugarless

Our labor - Effortless

Our relations - Fruitless

Our attitude - Careless

Our feelings - Heartless

Our politics - Shameless

Our education - Worthless

Our mistakes - Countless

Our arguments - Baseless

Our youth - Jobless

Our ladies - Topless

Our jobs - Thankless

Our needs - Endless

Our situation - Hopeless

Our salaries - Less and less...

[Benggolf2]

EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A PSYCHIATRIST AND TOLD HIM

'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy..'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the psychiatrist. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..'

'How much do you charge?'

'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.

'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later the psychiatrist met me on the street.

'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new car!'

'Is that so?' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!

GET RID OF THOSE PSYCHIATRISTS... GO HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO YOUR BARTENDER...

[Benggolf2]

[You don't have to own a cat to appreciate this one! You don't even have to like 'em!]


We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Year's Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet, and put the cat in the back yard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived, and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the back yard, scoots back into the front door. We didn't want the cat shut in the house, because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother.'A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid hussy was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat butt downstairs and threw her out into the back yard! The cab driver hit a parked car.