The Official *MAD DOG* jokes thread v2

[*MAD DOG*]

Mums in group therapy


A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young Mothers

And their small children.You all have obsessions,' he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating.

You've even named your daughter Candy.'

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money.

Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'

He turned to the third Mom, Kathy: 'Your obsession is alcohol.

This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'

At this point, the fourth mother, Joyce, quietly got up, took her little
boy by the hand

And whispered, 'Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking
about.. Lets pick Willy up from school and go home.

[*MAD DOG*]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Tasmania .

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:

'I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.

What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?

What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?

Its men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people.

Because of you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general... and all in the name of humour!'

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, 'You stay out of this mate! I'm talking to that little shit on your lap!'

[tomato]

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy,
walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,
'I would like to buy some cyanide.'

The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'

The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I
can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen.
Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of
her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's
different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.'

[*MAD DOG*]

^
Lol

[*MAD DOG*]

Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose. The two lads objected strongly. 'Last year we got six. The pilot let us take them all, and he had the same plane as yours.'

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down. Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash. After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, 'Any idea where we are?'

Mick replied, 'I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year.'

[tomato]

dumbasses! hahaha!

[nemelek]

Exercise Program

[*MAD DOG*]

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my
intelligence come from?'
The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother,
cause I still have mine.'
---------------------------------------------------------

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court
Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife £775 a week,'
'That's very fair, your honour,' the husband said. 'And every now and
then I'll try to send her a few quid myself.'
---------------------------------------------------------

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to Casualty, took
the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the look of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband.
'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
-----------------------------------------------------------

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has
been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that
were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
----------------------------------------------------------

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take
to fly from San Francisco to New York City?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
----------------------------------------------------------

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
-----------------------------------------------------------

Bill: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Bill: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
----------------------------------------------------------

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks
him how he is feeling.
'I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in
surgery,' he answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse.
'Oops!'
------------------------------------------------------------

While shopping for holiday clothes, my husband and I passed a display of
bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had
even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought my husband's advice.
'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'
He's still in intensive care.
.................................................. ............

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive
clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied
by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the vicar and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.

[*MAD DOG*]

While in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a
condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes
one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.



Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having
seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to
return in two days for the results.



The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got bad
news for you --- you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost
unheard of here. We know very little about it."



The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or
something and fix me up, Doc."



The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have
to amputate your penis."



The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion."



The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want but
surgery is your only choice."



The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know
more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims:
"Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely rare disease."



The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can
we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!"



The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta,
always want to opelate. Make more money that way. No need to opelate!"



Oh, Thank God!" the man replies.



"Yes," says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Faw off by
itself! You save Money."

[DandiDani]

lol!

[*MAD DOG*]

Elderly Foreplay

The first old woman told the second old woman that
sometimes she gets her husband excited at night by getting totally naked,
lying in bed and putting both legs behind her head, yoga style.

The second old woman thought that this was a great
idea, so that night when her husband went in the bathroom to get ready for
bed, she got totally naked and began the process of putting her
legs behind her head.

The first leg was kind of tough to put in place as she
was a bit arthritic. However, she finally got it in place.

She had an even tougher time with the second leg, so
she rocked herself backwards until she finally got it behind her head.

However, she had rocked just a little too hard so that
she flipped slightly backwards and got stuck with her butt
sticking straight up in the air. It was just then that her husband came out of
the bathroom.

'Gladys!' he exclaimed.' For heavens sake, comb your
hair and put your teeth in .... You look like an asshole.'

[*MAD DOG*]

Old Fart Football

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, ‘Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'
The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says ‘Touchdown, tie score...'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally shits in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides.

[Bob_VT]

Something New

An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are new settlers in Brisbane, Australia.
Ray always wanted a pair of authentic RM Williams boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife: "Notice anything different about me?"
Bessie looks him over, "Nope."
Frustrated Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots, and asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?"
Bessie looks up and says, "Ray, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Ray yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!"
To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Ray. Shoulda bought a hat

[Bob_VT]

A guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an
Hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his
Drink, gulps it down in one swig and then turns to the guy with a
Menacing stare as if to say, 'What'cha gonna do about it?'

The poor little guy starts crying.

'Come on man I was just giving you a hard time,' the biker says. 'I
Didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying.'

'This is the worst day of my life,' says the little guy between
Sobs. 'I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an
Important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking
Lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I
Left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with
The gardener and my dog bit me. So, I came to this bar trying to
Work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up
And drink the darn poison.

[*MAD DOG*]

I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS
*
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving*
at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he
can't place where he knows her from.
*
So he says, 'Do you know me?'*
To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful*
to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party*
that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching*
while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

[Bob_VT]

Just wondering…

Why is it when your wife becomes pregnant, all her female friends rub her tummy and say “Congratulations.”

But none of them rub your crotch and say “well done”.

[KCALB SIRAY]

When you’re having a bad day
and think that you’re having problems
Just remember:



SOMEWHERE
IN THIS WORLD,
THERE IS
A
MR. PELOSI.

[TLyttle]

Which explains why Mr. Palin is now single...