The Official *MAD DOG* jokes thread v2

[Bob_VT]

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors; Jim, Tom and Susie.





They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.


After several years of casual sex, all the time, Susie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.


She felt having sex with both Jim and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.



It was tragic, but Jim and Tom managed to get through it. After a while, Jim and Tom's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the inevitable happened.


Well, a couple more years went by and Jim and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.
















So, they buried Susie

[tomato]

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww ww!!!

Gross!!



good one, though!

[*MAD DOG*]

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls".

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

[*MAD DOG*]

THE BLOND MORTICIAN

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an
expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would
like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in
the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked
his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the
Blond mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but
please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds
her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe;
the suit fits him perfectly...

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied..
You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman
of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he
was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his
grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as
he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'

[nemelek]

Traffic Camera

A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera.

He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding.

Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.

Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed.

He tried a fourth time with the same result.

He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace.

Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.

You just can't fix stupid.

[cali yaris]

LOL @ #456


one of your better ones

[silver_echo]

Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a White Trash Biker are all walking together one day.

They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the Genie.

The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada '

POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come into our precious land.'

POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Biker says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.'

The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable.'



The Biker sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lights a cigar,smiles and says,

'Fill it with water.'

[*MAD DOG*]

Sex in the Dark

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love, the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.

She figures she would break him of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device...
A vibrator!
Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic. 'You impotent bastard,' She screamed at him, 'How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!'

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:


'I'll explain the toy. . You explain the kids.'

[BaknBlak]

"A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly along it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the paper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins fall over gently onto their backs."

[tomato]

Originally Posted by BaknBlak

"A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly along it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the paper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins fall over gently onto their backs."

Awwww. I love the "gently" part. Cute story!

Always good to see some new jokes in this thread. :D

[*MAD DOG*]

Cowboy's Honeymoon

A cowboy and his wife had just got married and found a nice hotel for their wedding night. The man approached the front desk and asked for a room.

He said, 'We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room with a good strong bed.
The clerk winked, 'You want the 'Bridal'?'

The cowboy reflected on this for a moment and then replied, Nope, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it.'

[*MAD DOG*]

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave.

Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.

The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."

The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."

The man sets about his task.

After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks.

"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."

The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.

Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."

The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!
With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound......

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

[*MAD DOG*]

AN OLD NUN WHO WAS LIVING IN A CONVENT NEXT TO A BROOKLYN CONSTRUCTION SITE NOTICED THE COARSE LANGUAGE OF THE WORKERS AND DECIDED TO SPEND SOME TIME WITH THEM TO CORRECT THEIR WAYS.
SHE DECIDED SHE WOULD TAKE HER LUNCH, SIT WITH THE WORKERS AND TALK WITH THEM. SHE PUT HER SANDWICH IN A BROWN BAG AND WALKED OVER TO THE SPOT WHERE THE MEN WERE EATING.
SHE WALKED UP TO THE GROUP AND WITH A BIG SMILE SAID: "DO YOU MEN KNOW JESUS CHRIST?" THEY SHOOK THEIR HEADS AND LOOKED AT EACH OTHER.
ONE OF THE MORE COOPERATIVE WORKERS LOOKED UP INTO THE STEELWORKS AND YELLED, "ANYBODY UP THERE KNOW JESUS CHRIST?"
ONE OF THE STEELWORKERS YELLED DOWN 'WHY'?
THE FIRST WORKER YELLED BACK, "HIS WIFE'S HERE WITH HIS LUNCH"

[*MAD DOG*]

God went to the Arabs and said,

"I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better."

The Arabs asked, "What are Commandments?"

And the Lord said, "They are rules for living.."

"Can you give us an example?"

"Thou shall not kill."

"Not kill? We're not interested."

So He went to the Blacks and said, "I have Commandments."

The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said,

"Honor thy Father and Mother."

"Father? We don't know who our fathers are.

We're not interested."

Then He went to the Mexicans and said,

"I have Commandments."

The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said "Thou shall not steal."

"Not steal? We're not interested."

Then He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments."

The French too wanted an example and the Lord said,

"Thou shall not commit adultery."

"Not commit adultery? We're not interested."

Finally, He went to the Jews and said,

"I have Commandments."

"Commandments?" They said, "How much are they?"

"They're free."

"We'll take 10."

There, that should offend just about everybody.

[*MAD DOG*]

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when
He saw two men along the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate..

He asked one man, 'Why are you eating grass?'

'We don't have any money for food,' the poor man
Replied. 'We have to eat grass..'

'Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll
Feed you,' the lawyer said.

'But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over
There, under that tree.'

'Bring them along,' the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, 'You come with us,
Also.'

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, 'But

Sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!'

'Bring them all, as well,' the lawyer answered They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as
Large as the limousine was.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the
Lawyer and said, 'Sir, you are too kind.'

'Thank you for taking all of us with you.'

The lawyer replied, 'Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot
High'

[*MAD DOG*]

Upon reaching 65, Bob decided to retire.
After having him under foot for a few months,
his wife became very agitated with him.
She suggested he go and do something to occupy his time,
like join a club or get a hobby.
Bob obliged and went out for a couple of hours..


When he got home his wife asked about his day and he replied,
"Oh, I just went down to the park and hung out with the guys.
And oh yeah, I joined a parachute club.

"What? Are you nuts?
You're 65 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

"Yeah, look I even got a membership card."

"You crazy old man, where's your glasses!
This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"


"Oh, great! Now what am I going to do? I signed up for 5 jumps a week!"

[cali yaris]

LOL @ 467

I love checking in here here randomly

[tomato]

there is always one that gets ya! hehehe