The Official *MAD DOG* jokes thread v2

[*MAD DOG*]

The Pope and Tiger woods died on the same day and because of an
administrative mix up the Pope went to hell and Tiger Woods went to
heaven.
The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in hell, and
after checking the paperwork admits that there is an error. "However",
the clerk explains, "it would be 24 hours before it can be rectified".

Next day the Pope is called and Hell's staff bids him farewell.

On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from heaven and
they stop to have a chat.

"Sorry about the mix up", apologies the Pope "No problem" replied Tiger
Woods,

Pope: "I am really anxious to get to heaven"
Tiger: "Why is that?"
Pope: "All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary"
Tiger: "You're a day late"

[*MAD DOG*]

Click the link and laugh your balls off. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VcxBS_HNuBg

[*MAD DOG*]

My wife says the hardest thing in the world is to balance a career
and a family. She's obviously never tried to balance a laptop on her
knees while having a wank.

[*MAD DOG*]

There's a new sex position in the Karma Sutra called "The Plumber".
Both of you stay in all day, and no fucker cums.

[*MAD DOG*]

There's a new craze in pubs. Girls are putting vodka jelly up
their snatches and having blokes suck it out with straws. Police and
health authorities are now worried about the effects of Minge drinking.

[*MAD DOG*]

SKY SPORTS BREAKING NEWS:! ! ! It has been announced that next year's
shirt sponsor for TIGER WOODS will be Tampax.
A spokesman for Tampax said "To sponsor a cunt going through a bad period
is exactly what our company is all about."

[*MAD DOG*]

5000 men surveyed were asked why they like blowjob's.
1 % liked warmth
2 % liked sensation.
3 % liked eroticism.
94 % just liked the peace and quiet

[*MAD DOG*]

I was having great sex today when just as we got towards the climax my
wife completely ruined the moment and said those words that just fills a
man's heart with fear dread & panic.... ! ! "hi Honey I'm home"..

[*MAD DOG*]

Did u see Paul McCartney the other night on X Factor playing the
piano...? Nice to see him fingering something with legs for a change !!

[*MAD DOG*]

Post #472-486 may offend some people. Just FYI I'm no racist, but I got these jokes and forwarded them on in the hope to make your day a little better by hopefully putting a smile on your face.

If i've offended you, in the words of our Prime Minister "I'm sorry"

[tomato]

Sorry Tony, I had to take down the racial jokes.

[tomato]

Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
(Rodney Dangerfield Jokes)



I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
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I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens
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I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west
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When I was born, the doctor said to my father, " I'm sorry, we did everything we could but he still pulled thru".
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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
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I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
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What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper 4 times - 3 while I was reading it
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What a dog I got. I tried to mate her - she wants 50 biscuits.
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What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
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One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
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My uncles dying wish was to have me sit in his lap - he was in the electric chair
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I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough.
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I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.
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I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
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I was so depressed that I decided to jump from the tenth floor. They sent up a priest. He said " on your mark ......"
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I was lost and asked a cop to help me find my parents "do you think we'll find them", "I don't know there's so many places to hide"

[tomato]

You might be a redneck if...

The taillight covers of your car are made of tape.

Your car has never had a full tank of gas.

Any of your kids were conceived in a car wash.

Your momma has ever been involved in a cuss fight with the principal.

You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.

Your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few days.

Your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out how to fix it.

You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.

Your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states.

[tomato]

You might be a redneck if...

You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a huntin' dog.

You're an expert on worm beds.

The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.

Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath!"

Your family tree does not fork.

The flood history of the area can be seen on your living room walls.

You haul more than U-Haul.

There is a gun rack on your bicycle.

Your wedding was held in the delivery room.

[tomato]

Psychiatrist phone

Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.

If you are phobic, don't press anything.

If you are anal retentive, please hold.

[tomato]

A blind man vists the state of Texas

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.

Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"

[tomato]

Admit that you did that

An old Indian lined up all of his 10 little Indian sons and stood in front of them.

He then asked, "Who push port-a-potty over cliff?"

Nobody answered him.

He then asked again, "Who push port-a-potty over cliff?"

Again nobody answered.

The old Indian said, "I tell story of Georgie and Georgie father. Georgie chop down cherry tree. Georgie tell truth, Big Georgie no punish." So the Indian asked again,

"Who push port-a-potty over cliff?"

To which the littlest Indian replied, "I push port-a-potty over cliff."

The old Indian then shakes and spanks him, for his punishment. When he is done, the little Indian asks, "Georgie tell truth, Georgie no get punish. I tell truth, I get punished. Why you punish, father?"

The old Indian replied, "Big Georgie not in cherry tree when it got chopped down!!!"

[tomato]

Here is one just for you, Tony


A cultural comparison


Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad. Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.

Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.

Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.

*

Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.

Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.

Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of themselves.

Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.

*

Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.

Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.

Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.

Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.

*

Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.

Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.

Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.

Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.

*

Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball.

Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.

Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.

Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they play them in.

*

Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English".

Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English".

Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.

Aussies: Add "G'day", "mate" and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to be cool.

*

Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.

Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.

Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.

Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.

*

Americans: Drink weak, bad-tasting beer.

Canadians: Drink strong, bad-tasting beer.

Brits: Drink warm, bad-tasting beer.

Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.


*

Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect.

Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.

Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.

Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.