The Official *MAD DOG* jokes thread v2

[*MAD DOG*]

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it means that you don't get any more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Ferraris and Lexus's in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.

[*MAD DOG*]

Once there were two twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of a dilapidated
old row-boat. It so happened John's wife died the same day that Joe's boat
sank.

A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Joe and mistook him for John. She
said, "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible."

Joe, thinking that she was talking about his row-boat, said, "Heck no....
in fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing
right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled
like old dead fish."

He continued "She was always losing her water; she had a bad crack in the
back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her
hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy."

To add further, "I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented
her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she
wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get
in her all at once and she split right up the middle."

The old lady fainted.

[*MAD DOG*]

"A marriage is both the end of a life-chapter and the beginning of another chapter that isn’t quite as interesting and the characters aren’t as likable." Author Unknown

[*MAD DOG*]

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.

[*MAD DOG*]

*
*
*
Got my son an iPhone for his birthday the other week and recently got my daughter an iPod for hers .
I was dead chuffed when the family clubbed together and bought me an iPad for Father’s day.
Got my wife an iRon for her birthday.
It was around then the fight started......
*
*

[*MAD DOG*]

A man is watching a game of golf on TV. But he keeps switching channels to a dirty movie featuring a lusty couple having raucous sex.
"I don't know whether to watch them or the game", he says to his wife.
“For Heaven's sake, watch them," his wife says.
"You already know how to play golf!"

[*MAD DOG*]

Men:

1. All men are extremely busy.
2. Although they are so busy, they still have time for women.
3. Although they have time for women, they don't really care for them.
4. Although they don't really care for them, they always have one around.
5. Although they always have one around them, they always try their luck with others.

Women:

1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security.
2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive clothes and stuff.
3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have something to wear.
4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress beautifully.
5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just "an old rag".
6. Although their clothes are always "just an old rag", they still expect you to compliment them.
7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don't believe you.

Wisdom:

WHEN I WAS MARRIED 25 YEARS, I TOOK A LOOK AT MY WIFE ONE DAY AND SAID, "HONEY, 25 YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP APARTMENT, A CHEAP CAR, SLEPT ON SOFA BED AND WATCHED A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV, BUT I GOT TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT WITH A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD BLOND."

" NOW WE HAVE A $500,000.00 HOME, A $45,000.00 CAR, NICE BIG BED AND PLASMA SCREEN TV, BUT I'M SLEEPING WITH A 50-YEAR-OLD WOMAN. IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU ARE NOT HOLDING UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS."

MY WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN. SHE TOLD ME TO GO OUT & FIND A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD BLONDE, AND SHE WOULD MAKE SURE THAT I WOULD ONCE AGAIN BE LIVING IN A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING A CHEAP CAR, SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHING A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV.

AREN'T OLDER WOMEN GREAT? THEY REALLY KNOW HOW TO SOLVE YOUR MID-LIFE CRISIS.

[*MAD DOG*]

Folks generally aren't very creative in choosing names for their dogs. That's why there are so many named Tommy, Jimmy, Rover and Spot. But have you heard the plight of the fellow who thought he'd be cute and name his dog Sex? It goes like this:
'One day Sex and I took a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for that dog. A policeman came by and asked what I was doing in this alley at midnight. I told him I was looking for Sex. My case comes up next Tuesday, I hope I get bail'
'But that ain't the worst part. One day I went to the town hall to get a dog license for Sex. The clerk asked me what I wanted. I told him I wanted a license for Sex. He said, 'I'd like to have one, too.' Then I said, 'You don't understand. She's a dog.' He said he didn't care how she looked. When I told him I'd had Sex since I was 5, he said, 'You must have been an early bloomer.' '
'When I decided to get married, I told the priest I wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me I'd have to wait until after the wedding. When I protested that Sex had played a big part in my life and that my whole life revolved around Sex, he got annoyed and said he didn't want to hear about my personal life.'
'After my wife and I were married, I took the dog with us on the honeymoon. When I checked into the hotel, I told the clerk I wanted a room for my wife and wanted one for Sex. She said. 'Every room in the hotel was for sex.' I said, 'You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night.' The clerk said, 'Me, too.' '
'When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. When I told the Judge I had Sex before I was married, he grinned and said, 'Me. too.' '
‘Now that I've been thrown in jail, married, divorced and had more trouble with that dog than I ever imagined, I'm in counselling.. My psychiatrist asked me what my problem was. I said 'Sex has died and left my life. It's like losing a best friend and I'm so lonely,' I told him. He said, 'Look, you and I both know that sex isn't man's best friend. Get yourself a dog.’

[*MAD DOG*]

An elderly spinster who was a dog lover agreed to look after and house her neighbors dog whilst the neighbors went on their holidays.
The only problem was that the spinsters own dog was a bitch that was on 'heat' and the neighbors dog was a male. Nevertheless she had a large house and she was able to keep the two dogs apart.

As she lay in her bed drifting off to sleep the spinster was suddenly awakened by an awful howling and moaning sounds from downstairs. she rushed downstairs to find the dogs locked together, as dogs do when mating. The dogs were in obvious pain howling but unable to disengage.

Try as she might she could not part them and she was perplexed as what to do next.

Though it was late she reluctantly phoned the vet and after a few rings a rather grumpy voice of the vet answered the phone.


The spinster explained the problem, The vet said. "I want you to take the phone to the dogs and place it down alongside them. I will then phone your number back and the noise of the telephone ringing should make the male dog lose his erection and be able to withdraw from the bitch"

"Oh" Said the spinster. "Do you think that will work?"

"Well" The vet replied


"IT JUST WORKED ON ME".

[*MAD DOG*]

A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known spot. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.

Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.

The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, officer?" The cop says: "What are you doing?"

The young man says: "Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine. Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: "And her, what is she doing?"

The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater."

Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple. Alone, in a car, at night in a Lover's lane.....and nothing obscene is happening!

The cop asks: "What's your age, young man?" The young man says : "I'm 22, sir."

The cop asks: "And her .... what's her age?"

The young man looks at his watch and replies:



"She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."

[*MAD DOG*]

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

'Not yet,' said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

'How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? And why don't I have any milk in my cereal?' he asks.

'Well,' his mother says, 'I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you are not getting any milk.'


Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile and says, 'Are you going to tell him, or should I?'

[*MAD DOG*]

Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking. Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."
Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car... a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner... a marvellous dinner... lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"
Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"
Edna:"No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

[TRDMarty]

GA DAY MATE!!
Keep em coming !! These are GREAT!!

[*MAD DOG*]

Originally Posted by TRDMarty

GA DAY MATE!!
Keep em coming !! These are GREAT!!

Will do. Glad to hear feedback on this thread. Of course you can post your own jokes up here too.

[*MAD DOG*]

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago.

Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back
into the world.


Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone..


Her daughter immediately replied, 'Mom I have someone for you to meet.'


Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks,
he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont ..

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was
in his birthday suit.


Looking her over, he asked, 'Why the black panties?'


She replied: 'My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore,
but down there I am still mourning.'


He knew he was not getting lucky that night.

The following night was the same--she stood there wearing the black
panties, and he was in his birthday suit--but now he was wearing a
black condom.


She looked at him and asked: 'What's with the black condom?'


He replied,
'I want to offer my deepest condolences!!'

[*MAD DOG*]

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf
balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The
puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls".
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long
time, deeply thinking about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any
longer, she asked;

"Does it hurt as much as tennis
elbow?"

[*MAD DOG*]

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.

St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. 'What if it doesn't work?' they wondered, 'Are we stuck together forever?'

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.

'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.'

'Great!' said the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.

'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.

'OH, COME ON!', St. Peter shouted, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a Lawyer?!'

[*MAD DOG*]

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry - I have two mates sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anaesthetic; I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already... I don't have time to wait for the anaesthetic to work!'

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, Honey, and show him.........