The Official *MAD DOG* jokes thread v2

[*MAD DOG*]

A man goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the
urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers
the urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your
prostate today, but this is a new procedure and is a little
different from what you are probably are used to. I want
you to lie on your right side, bend your knees,then while I
check your prostate,take a deep breath and say,
'99' ".

The guy obeys and says,"99".

The doctor says, "Great". Now turn over on your
left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep
breath and say, '99".

Again, the guy says, '99'."

The doctor said, "Very good. Now then,
I want you to lie on your back with your
knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate
with this hand,and with the other hand I'm going to
hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a
deep breath and say, '99'.


The guy begins,very slowly "One ........Two ........Three".

[*MAD DOG*]

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finance, living arrangements, and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
'I would like it infrequently.' she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered.... 'Is that one word or two?'

[*MAD DOG*]

Q: What do you do if your wife is bleeding and limping around your backyard?
A: Take a deep breath, focus, reload and shoot again.

[*MAD DOG*]

Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a
well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner..

'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes
of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners'
'Go away!' I said. 'I haven't got any money!', 'I'm broke!' and
proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed
wide open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least
seen my demonstration'. And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my hallway carpet.
'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure
from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.'

I stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've got a good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.
What part of broke do you Not understand????

[*MAD DOG*]

A man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is surprised to find a large purple parrot in the seat next to him.***
The aircraft takes off and a pretty flight attendant walks down the aisle past the man and his seat mate.**
"Hey, bitch, "says the parrot, "bring me a whiskey and soda, and make it snappy!"****
The FA looks annoyed, but walks on. A minute later, she walks back up the aisle, and the parrot pipes up again:***
"Goddammit, you lazy whore, where's my whiskey? Hurry it up! " Visibly flustered, the FA hurries up the aisle and returns quickly with the parrot's drink.******
Impressed with the parrot's technique, the man decides to get some quick service for himself.****
"Hey, slut, " says the man, "get me a dry martini. And don't drag your sorry ass - I want it right now! "***
The FA turns red with anger and runs to the front of the plane. In a moment she returns with the First Officer and two burly male flight attendants.***
The crewmen seize the passenger and the parrot, jerk open the emergency door, and hurl them both out of the airplane at 30,000 feet.*****
As the two hurtle out the door, the parrot says to the man, "Ya know, for someone who can't fly, you got a lotta balls."

[*MAD DOG*]

One night an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her
92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor 'assisted living apartment', killing him instantly.

Brought before the court on charge of murder the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense.

She began coolly 'Yes your honor, I figured that at 92, if he could Fuck, He could fly.'

[*MAD DOG*]

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.


Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the
bedroom cupboard to watch. Just after getting into bed the woman's husband
also comes home unexpectedly, she tells her lover to hide in the cupboard,
not realising that the little boy is in there.


After a little while the little boy says, 'Dark in here.


The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything,
let alone from a little boy says, 'Yes, it is.'


Boy - 'I have a football.'


Man - 'That's nice.'


Boy - 'Want to buy it?'


Man - 'No, thanks.'


Boy - 'My dad's outside.'


Man - 'OK, how much?'


Boy - '$250'


In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in
the cupboard together.


Boy - 'Dark in here.'


Man - 'Yes, it is.'


Boy - 'I have football boots.'


The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'OK How much this
time?'


Boy - '$750'


Man - 'Sold.'


A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and
football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.


The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.'


The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for and to who?'


The boy says, 'To a friend of mine for a $1,000.'


The father says, 'That's a terrible thing to do, overcharging your friend
like that'. 'That's four times what they cost when they were new, I'm
going to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sin.'


They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.


The boy says, 'Dark in here'.



The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again you little prick, you're in
my cupboard now'!!

[*MAD DOG*]

Top tip;

If you're camping in the summer and the attractive girl in
the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping
with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual
sex...........Wish me luck in court next Monday.

[*MAD DOG*]

I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today. Apparently the
instruction 'finish off on her face' didn't mean what I thought it did.

[*MAD DOG*]

I have a new chat up line that works everytime!! It doesn't matter
how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a
winner & I always end up in bed with them..............Here's how it
goes 'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth
smell like chloroform to you?'

[*MAD DOG*]

Years ago it was suggested 'that an apple a day kept the doctor away'.
But since all the doctors are now Muslims, I've found that a bacon
sandwich works a treat!

[silver_echo]

Men and Women

EATING OUT
• When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even
though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually
admit they want change back.
• When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
• A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
• A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need, but it’s on sale.

BATHROOMS
• A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving
cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
• The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not
be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
• A woman has the last word in any argument.
• Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
• A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
• A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
• A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
• A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
• A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
• A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
• A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash,
answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
• A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
• Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
• Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

[silver_echo]

Nine Words Women Use

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need
to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only
five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping
around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be
on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by
men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her
time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of
nothing.)

(6) That’s Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a
man. “That’s okay” means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when
you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say “you’re welcome.” (I
want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says ‘Thanks a lot’ - that is PURE
sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say ‘you’re welcome’ -- that will bring on
a ‘whatever’).

(8) Whatever: Is a woman’s way of saying... Go to you know where.

(9) Don’t worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something
that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later
result in a man asking ‘What’s wrong?’ For the woman’s response refer to # 3.

[*MAD DOG*]

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. An Italian police
officer stops them and says:

"Itsa illegala to putta five-a people in a Quattro."
"Vot do you mean, it's illegal ?" the German driver asks.

"Quattro means four!" the policeman answers.

"Quattro iz just ze name of ze fo*k*n automobile" , the German shouts ...
"Look at ze dam paperz: Ze car is dezigned to carry 5 people !"

"You canta pulla thata one on me !" says the Italian policeman.
"Quattro meansa four. You havea five-a people ina your carre and you are
therefore breakinge the lawe!"

The German driver gets mad and shouts "You ideeiot ! Call ze zupervizor
over! Schnell! I vant to spik to zum vun viz more intelligence!!!"

"Sorry" the Italian says, "He cantta comea.

He's a buzy with two guys in a Fiat Uno."

[*MAD DOG*]

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success." "Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45. I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events." "Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath .....
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said. "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?" "Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?" "I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample." They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog shit!"

Then I would say,"It is dog shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?" "I used the governmental approach of giving you something shitty for free, and then making you pay to get the shitty taste out of your mouth."

[fnkngrv]

Why I'm divorced . . .

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning..
I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!',
and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone
' Happy Birthday.'

I thought....

Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids....
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word..
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
'Good Morning Boss, and by the way
Happy Birthday ! '

It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock ,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me..'
I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day. Let's go !'

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,
Jane said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ?'

I responded, 'I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?'
She said,
'Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner..'

After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
' Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed
by my wife, my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing 'Happy Birthday'.


And I just sat there....

On the couch....

Naked.

[Slick]

That's just funny, I don't care who you are.

[shinlee]

that was awesome