The Official *MAD DOG* jokes thread v2

[*MAD DOG*]

Originally Posted by big lo

OMG, Lmfao. Brotha are making this stuff up or what, because you got talent man. All the emails you are sending me A+ in my book very funny stuff keep up the good work

Feel free to send some emails my way.

[*MAD DOG*]

Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and an Aussie are all
walking together one day..

They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the Genie.

The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the
land to be forever fertile in Canada '

POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was
forever fertile for farming.

Osama was amazed, so he said,
'I want a wall around Afghanistan, Palestine, Pakistan, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come into our precious land.'

POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Aussie says,
'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.'

The Genie explains,
'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the countries.
Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable.'

The Aussie sits down, cracks a beer, lights a cigarette, smiles and says,

'Fill the bugger with water.'.........................

[*MAD DOG*]

There were three black ladies getting ready to take a plane trip for the first time. The first lady said, "I don't know 'bout y'all, but I'm gunna wear me sum hot pink panties beefo I gets on dat plane."

"Why you gonna wear dem fo?" the other two asked.The first replied, "Cause if dat plane goes down and I'm out dare laying butt-up in a conefield, dey gonna find me first.

"The second lady said, "Well, I'm a-gonna wear me some floe esant orange panties.""Why you gonna wear dem?" the others asked.The second lady answered, "Cause if dis hare plane is goin' down and I be floating butt-up in the oshun, dey can see me first.

"The third lady says, "Well, I'm not gonna wear any panties.""What? No panties?" the others asked in disbelief.The third lady says, "Dat's right, girlfriends, you hears me right. I ain wearin' any panties, cause if dis plane goes down, honey, dey always look fo da black box first."

[*MAD DOG*]

A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'


When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.

A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'

'Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.

'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself.'

Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'

'No problem,' said the genie. 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'

'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.





'I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants,' she said.

'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'


'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'

'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'

The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'

You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'


So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.



The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?'

'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.



'No Kidding,' he said.




'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?'

[*MAD DOG*]

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside
the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, 'What are you in here for?'

The second kid says, 'I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous.'

The first kid says, 'You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four.
They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jelly and ice cream.
It's a breeze.

'The second kid then asks, 'What are you here for?'

The first kid says, 'A circumcision.'

'Whoa!' the second kid replies. 'Good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born.
Couldn't walk for a year’.

[Slick]

Alright, posts 616 and 618 are side busters! Classic lol.

[*MAD DOG*]

Originally Posted by Slick

Alright, posts 616 and 618 are side busters! Classic lol.

If you like my jokes click here

[*MAD DOG*]

I was at my bank today; there was a short line.

There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.

It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"

[*MAD DOG*]

http://www.wimp.com/animalvoiceovers/

[*MAD DOG*]

Two Women were chatting in the office.

Woman 1: I had sex last night, did you?
Woman 2: Yes.
Woman 1: Was it good?
Woman 2: No, it was a disaster... My husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?
Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. We then had an hour long session of fantastic sex and afterwards talked for an hour. It was like a fairytale!

At the same time, their husbands were talking at work.

Husband 1: You wanted sex last night, how was it?
Husband 2: Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, screwed my wife and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?
Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour - and when we got home remember there was no electricity so I had to light fucking candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't come for another hour. After I finally did, I was so aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another fucking hour.

[silver_echo]

Originally Posted by *MAD DOG*

Two Women were chatting in the office.

Woman 1: I had sex last night, did you?
Woman 2: Yes.
Woman 1: Was it good?
Woman 2: No, it was a disaster... My husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?
Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. We then had an hour long session of fantastic sex and afterwards talked for an hour. It was like a fairytale!

At the same time, their husbands were talking at work.

Husband 1: You wanted sex last night, how was it?
Husband 2: Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, screwed my wife and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?
Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour - and when we got home remember there was no electricity so I had to light fucking candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't come for another hour. After I finally did, I was so aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another fucking hour.

why did you not email this one to me?

[*MAD DOG*]

Originally Posted by silver_echo

why did you not email this one to me?

I had 37 emails in my inbox. Some were funny, some were not. I only send on the emails that I feel are worthwhile to send on. I also got up for work at 4:15am.................

[*MAD DOG*]

Paddy was waiting at the bus stop with his mate when a lorry went by loaded up with rolls of turf. Paddy said, 'I gonna do that when I win lottery'

'What's dat, says his mate.

'Send me lawn away to be cut'.

[*MAD DOG*]

An Arab national is interviewed at the Embassy for a visa:

Consul: Your name please?
Arab: Abu Zina.
Consul: Sex?
Arab: Every day.
Consul: Er, I mean, male or female?
Arab: Dont matter, sometimes even Camel.
Consul: Holy cow!
Arab: Yes, cows and donkey too.
Consul: Isn't that hostile?
Arab: Hosstyle, Dogstyle, any style!.
Consul: Oh dear!
Arab: No deer! Asshole too tight and fuckers run too fast...

[*MAD DOG*]

Court Case

Lawyers must read this

One evening, after attending the theatre, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them. One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $250 to spend the night with that woman."

Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard their remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on that offer."

She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment. The following morning, as he prepared to leave, the man gave her $125. She demanded the rest of the money, stating, "If you don't give me the other $125 I'll sue you for it."

He laughed, saying "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds." Within a few days, he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case. His lawyer said, "She can't possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented."

After the usual preliminaries, the lady's Lawyer addressed the court as follows:

"Your honour, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $250. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purposes for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises, he paid only $125, one-half of the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since it is restricted property, and we ask judgment be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance."

The defendant's Lawyer was not only surprised but also impressed AND amused by the way his opponent had presented the case. Naturally, his defence was somewhat different from the way he originally planned to present it. He rose to the occasion!

'Your honour," he said, "my client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property, that he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labour performed personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of said property. We, therefore, ask that judgment not be granted."

The young lady's lawyer answered, "Your honour, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property. However, had the defendant not known that the well existed, he would never have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making the property much less desirable to others. We, therefore, ask that judgment be granted."

In the Judge's decision, he provided for two options: "Pay the balance $125 to the plaintiff, or have the equipment detached from its current location and provide it to the plaintiff for damages."

The defendant wrote out a check immediately.

Case closed!

[*MAD DOG*]

A large woman wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in Dublin.
She raised her right arm, revealing a huge hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar, and asked,
'What man here will buy a lady a drink?'
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed,
'Give the ballerina a drink!'
The bartender poured the drink, and the woman chugged it down.
She turned to the patrons, and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same very hairy armpit, and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?'
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said,
'Give the ballerina another drink!'
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, 'Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?'
The drunk replied, 'Any woman who can lift her leg that high..... has got to be a ballerina!'

[*MAD DOG*]

NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first,
But her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! .
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't take this anymore,
"You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig!"
She retorted indignantly.

'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!"

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man, 'Whooza talkin' about sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '..

[*MAD DOG*]

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.

A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausage?"

The clerk asks, "Are you Irish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something. “If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"

The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"

The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."