The Official *MAD DOG* jokes thread v2

[bobselectric]

John Kerry walks into a bar-- the bartender says-

"Why the long face?"

[bobselectric]

An Irishman walks out of a bar---




Hey, It could happen!





Last three, Quick and lame

[Bob_VT]

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. Suddenly the horse falls into a mud hole and starts sinking. He tells the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farmer, but the farmer can’t be found.

So he drives the farmer’s Mercedes back to the hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend and drives forward saving the horse from sinking.

A few days later, the chicken and horse are playing in the meadow again, and the chicken falls into a mud hole. The chicken tells the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse says: “I think I can get you out.” So he stretches over the width of the hole and says: “Grab hold of my ‘thing’ and pull yourself up.”

The chicken does this and is pulled to safety.

Moral of the story: If you’re hung like a horse, you don’t need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.

[*MAD DOG*]

HOW TO ASK YOUR BOSS FOR A SALARY INCREASE?

One day an employee sends a letter to his boss asking for an increase in his salary!!!!


Dear Bo$$

In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding the need$ of u$ We are worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company...
I am $ure you will gue$$ what I meant and re$pond $oon.

Your$$incerely


The next day, the employee received this letter of reply


Dear Employee


I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOw a days, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticably well . NOw the newspapers are saying the world's leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad. I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean

---- Your Boss.

[Bob_VT]

The Biker's Dog

A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"
A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"
"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir."
"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do you have?"
"Sir," answered the little man, "it's a little four week old female puppy."
"BULL!" roared the biker. "How could your puppy kill my Doberman?"
"It appears that your dog choked on her, sir."

[Bob_VT]

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way toher car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation.

She finally remembered her daddy’s advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift.

This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it.

As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions.

After an hour had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snowplow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window.

The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy’s advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard.

The driver replied that it was ok with him and she could continue if she wanted, but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to Sears next.

[*MAD DOG*]

Wife: 'What are you doing?'

Husband : Nothing.

Wife : 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

Husband : 'I was looking for the expiry date.'

[*MAD DOG*]

Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'

Husband : 'Sure! What are my choices?'

Wife : 'Yes or no.'

[*MAD DOG*]

Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?'

Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'

Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'

Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'

[*MAD DOG*]

Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

[*MAD DOG*]

Son: ' Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'

Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

[*MAD DOG*]

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

[*MAD DOG*]

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever

The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'

[*MAD DOG*]

A wife asked her husband:

'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'

[*MAD DOG*]

"No woman will ever be truly satisfied with a man, this is because no man has a chocolate dick that ejaculates money"

[Bob_VT]

Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they're walking along they come upon a mineshaft in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it. The first hunter says "Wow, that's some hole. I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is?"
The second hunter says "I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
The first hunter says "There's this old transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see."
So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and heave it in the hole.
They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole with no hesitation, and jump in headfirst.
While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole, and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.
"Say there," says the farmer, "You fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"
The first hunter says "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this mineshaft here!"
And the old farmer said... "Why, that's impossible, I had him chained to a transmission!"

[*MAD DOG*]

A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was
on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where
skilful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and
became an auto mechanic. He found out from the local technical
college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended
diligently and learned all he could. When the time for the practical
exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and
completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had
obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor
saying, 'I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding
result, but I wondered if there has been an error that needs
adjusting?'

The instructor said, 'During the exam, you took the engine apart
perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine
back together again perfectly which is also worth 50% of the mark.'
The instructor went on to say, 'I gave you an extra 50% because you
did all of it through the muffler.'

[eTiMaGo]

hehehe reminds me of a shorter version...

Q: what do gynaecologists do on their time off?

A: Repaint the corridor. Through the mail slot.