The Official *MAD DOG* jokes thread v2

[*MAD DOG*]

Paddy on death row gets the choice to be shot,
hanged, or injected with the aids virus for a slow agonising death.

He says "Give me the aids injection."
They inject him and he rolls round the floor laughing.

The warden says "What's so funny?"

Paddy says "I'm wearing a condom!"

[*MAD DOG*]

After a visit to the whore house,
a man notices green lumps on his willy,
so he goes to the doctors.
“That’s serious” says the doctor.
“You know how wrestlers get cauliflower ears?”
“Yes” says the man seriously.
“Well” says the doctor “You’ve got brothel sprouts.”

[*MAD DOG*]

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He orders six shots of vodka. The bartender asks the man, "Have a rough day?"

The man replies, "Yeah, I found out my younger brother was gay!"

The bartender says, "Man, I'm sorry to hear that. That's awful."

The man downs the shots and leaves.

The very next day the same man comes back into the bar and orders six more shots of vodka. Bartender asks the man, "What's wrong today?"

The man replies, "I just found out my older brother is gay."

Bartender says, "Man, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible."

The man downs his shots and leaves.

The man returns again on the third day and again orders six shots of vodka. Bartender asks the man, "Another rough day?"

The man says, "Yeah."

The bartender asks the man, "Does anyone in your family like women??"

The man says, "Yeah, my wife."

[yaris 2sz]

-Do you speak English?
-Yes
-Name?
-Adolf Bumin.
-Sex?
-3 to 5 times a week.
-No, I mean..male/female?
-Yes, male,female and sometimes camels.
-Holy cow!
-Yes, cows, sheep...Animals in general.
-Oh dear,
-No, deer runs too fast

[*MAD DOG*]

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stop. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had.

That's a real talent you are wasting.. You could be famous! Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

[*MAD DOG*]

Bloke goes to doctor having problems with premature ejaculation. He is told when u feel urself cuming give urself a fright by firing a starter pistol in2 the air 2 prolong the sex. 2 days later the doctor sees him again and asks how it went. Bloke says not good. I was havin a 69r n felt myself startin to cum, so i fired the gun. My wife shit in my face, bit the end off my cock & the milkman came out of the wardrobe with his hands up.

[shinlee]

that's f**kin great man... I love that one!

[*MAD DOG*]

Originally Posted by shinlee

that's f**kin great man... I love that one!

Glad you liked it. I lol'd.

[*MAD DOG*]

The 2 PRAWNS!

Far away in the tropical waters of the Coral Sea, two prawns were swimming around.
One called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted'


Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark and horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.

All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.

Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.


With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a drink
Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.

'Where's Christian?' he asked.

'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark', came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode.

As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.

He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.'

Christian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'

Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.'............

(You're going to love this................................)


















'I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian'

[nemelek]

Gas coupon



I didn't realize it, but these coupons are good for one gallon of gas at most retailers. I have seen them around, but until recently never took advantage of them, I never realized their actual worth.

You probably have one or two just lying around somewhere, now is the time to use them
SEE COUPON BELOW...










.

[*MAD DOG*]

Originally Posted by nemelek

Gas coupon



I didn't realize it, but these coupons are good for one gallon of gas at most retailers. I have seen them around, but until recently never took advantage of them, I never realized their actual worth.

You probably have one or two just lying around somewhere, now is the time to use them
SEE COUPON BELOW...










.

lol. but isn't it a federal offence to copy bills?

[tomato]

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything".

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road".

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home”. "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome". "Is it common?", well, "It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain and they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good).... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to her friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

[*MAD DOG*]

Oh my. I had to borrow one of those and post it up on facebook. Lamest set of jokes i've seen in ages.

[SailDesign]

Originally Posted by *MAD DOG*

Oh my. I had to borrow one of those and post it up on facebook. Lamest set of jokes i've seen in ages.

You're only saying that coz you got busted...

[*MAD DOG*]

Originally Posted by SailDesign

You're only saying that coz you got busted...

Your honour........ I plead the 5th amendment...... lol

[silver_echo]

Originally Posted by *MAD DOG*

Your honour........ I plead the 5th amendment...... lol

what is the 5th amendment of the australian constitution?

[*MAD DOG*]

Originally Posted by silver_echo

what is the 5th amendment of the australian constitution?

Chapter 5 is "The Constitution of each State of the Commonwealth shall, subject to this Constitution, continue as at the establishment of the Commonwealth, or as at the admission or establishment of the State, as the case may be, until altered in accordance with the Constitution of the State."

or in laymans terms "Blah Blah Blah, zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz, Blah blah meh!"

[silver_echo]

Originally Posted by *MAD DOG*

Chapter 5 is "The Constitution of each State of the Commonwealth shall, subject to this Constitution, continue as at the establishment of the Commonwealth, or as at the admission or establishment of the State, as the case may be, until altered in accordance with the Constitution of the State."

or in laymans terms "Blah Blah Blah, zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz, Blah blah meh!"

so why are you pleading it?