The Official *MAD DOG* jokes thread v2

[*MAD DOG*]

Originally Posted by silver_echo

so why are you pleading it?

I was pleading Americas 5th amendment. I will be in America on Saturday.

[silver_echo]

Originally Posted by *MAD DOG*

I was pleading Americas 5th amendment. I will be in America on Saturday.

where in usa?

[*MAD DOG*]

Oahu Hawaii :)

[*MAD DOG*]

Women most probably won't understand this, so ask a man to explain it to you.
A wife asks her husband "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6!"
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had eggs."

[silver_echo]

bump... NSFW?


Renault & Ford r making a car between them 2 beat the credit crunch, based on the Clio &Taurus, the new 'Clitaurus' will b pink & has an optional furry dash

[*MAD DOG*]

Sorry guys, got a lot on my plate at the moment. Pardon the pun :P

[*MAD DOG*]

An Irishman applying for a job as a blacksmith was asked if he has any experience shoeing horses...

He said no, but he had told a donkey to fuck off once.

[*MAD DOG*]

Got a phone call from my mate last night.

He had just got back from a day out in Sydney and told me that whilst there
he'd acquired a brand new top of the range camera absolutely free.

I asked, ''Where did you get that?''

He said, ''I met a very nice family from Japan whilst I was looking at the
Opera House and was just passing the time of day with them.
After a few minutes I was about to go when the male member of the family
asked me if I would mind taking a photograph of them and handed me his
camera.

They lined up as a group and were all smiling at the camera.
Just as I was about to click the button I shouted to them, 'WAVE!' and they
all rushed past me and I never saw them again!!''

[*MAD DOG*]

A farmhand appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

“Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asked.

“Well, I can think of one thing,” the farmhand offered.

“On a trip to Longreach Queensland, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, “Now, back off or I’ll kick the shit out of all of you!”

St. Peter was impressed, “When did this happen?”

“Couple of minutes ago.”

[*MAD DOG*]

An older man, not in the best physical condition, asked the trainer in the*
gym, "I want to impress that beautiful girl. Which machine should I use?"

The trainer replied...


"Use the ATM machine outside the gym!"

[*MAD DOG*]

A new manager spends a week at his new office with the manager he is replacing. On the last day the departing manager tells him, "I have left three numbered envelopes in the desk drawer. Open an envelope if you encounter a crisis you can't solve."
Three months down the track there is a major drama, everything goes wrong - the usual stuff - and the manager feels very threatened by it all. He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and opens the first envelope. The message inside says "Blame your predecessor!" He does this and gets off the hook.

About half a year later, the company is experiencing a dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. The manager quickly opens the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize!" This he does, and the company quickly rebounds.

Three months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third envelope. The message inside says "Prepare three envelopes".

[*MAD DOG*]

The manager of a large corporation got a heart attack, and the doctor told him to go for several weeks to a farm to relax. The guy went to a farm, and after a couple of days he was very bored, so he asked the farmer to give him some job to do.
The farmer told him to clean the shit of the cows. The farmer thought that to somebody coming from the city, working the whole life sitting in an office, it will take over a week to finish the job, but for his surprise the manager finished the job in less than one day.

The next day the farmer gave to the manager a more difficult job: to cut the heads of 500 chickens. The farmer was sure that the manager will not be able to do the job, but at the end of the day the job was done.

The next morning, as most of the jobs in the farm were done, the farmer asked the manager to divide a bag of potatoes in two boxes: one box with small potatoes, and one box with big potatoes.

At the end of the day the farmer saw that the manager was sitting in front of the potatoes bag, but the two boxes were empty. The farmer asked the manager: "How is that you made such difficult jobs during the first days, and now you cannot do this simple job?"

The manager answered: "Listen, all my life I'm cutting heads and dealing with shit, but now you ask me to make decisions."

[*MAD DOG*]

A bloke goes into the Centrelink in Sydney and sees a card advertising

For a Gynaecologist's Assistant.



"Can you give me some more details about this?" he asks the girl behind

The desk.

The Centrelink Assistant sorts through her files and replies.

"Oh, yes, here it is. OK, the job entails you getting patients ready for

The gynaecologist."

"You have to help the ladies out of their clothes and underwear, lie them

Down and gently wash their nether regions.

Then apply shaving foam and shave off all their pubic hair, then rub in

Soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination.."

"There's a starting annual salary of $85,000, but you're going to have to

Go to Wagga Wagga "

"Oh, Is that where the job is?" he asks.

"No," replied the assistant, "that's the end of the queue."

[*MAD DOG*]

Two Aussie builders (Patrick and Eric) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.

Pat: - I reckon he's an accountant.

Eric: - No way - he's a stockbroker.

Pat: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Pat and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.

Pat: - 'Scuse me. No offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.

Pat: - Oh! What's that then?

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home?

Pat: - Err... Mmm. Well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?

Pat: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden.

Pat - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?

Pat: - As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house...built it myself!

Suit: - Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?

Pat: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and five children.

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?

Pat:- Yep! Five or six nights a week!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?

Pat: - Me? Never.

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Pat: - How's that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!

Pat: - I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Pat returns to his mate.

Eric: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Pat - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

Eric: - What's that then?

Pat: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Eric: - Nope.

Pat: - Well then, you're a wanker!

[*MAD DOG*]

"Planking" is nothing new! My wifes been doing it for years - 'cept she calls it sex.

[*MAD DOG*]

Two friends are fishing near a bridge.
Suddenly a Hearse and two Funeral Cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head.
When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing.
His mate turns to him and says,
" Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen "
Dave replies, " Well we were married for nearly 20 years "

[*MAD DOG*]

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.
At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

[*MAD DOG*]

What’s the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
One’s a superhero and the other is an instruction.